As a Reiki practitioner many of the sessions I have with clients include conversations around relationships. One particular topic that comes up with women is the ability to have a strong "no". No, meaning no. Not, no means maybe tomorrow, or if you push me hard enough or manipulate me enough, I could change my mind. But "no" with a period at the end. It's okay to say no. This may seem trite to some, but I think many others have had this issue. So many of us are afraid that if we say no to others we'll cause conflict and they won't like us anymore, or worse - leave us. It's okay to not be liked. It's actually okay to be left and standing alone. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but sometimes standing alone is our strongest stance.

We are not bad or mean if we tell someone "no, I choose not to stand for this any longer" or "no" this relationship is over. We don't have to go along with something just to keep the peace. I think many of us are guilty of this but don't know how to get out of this trap. Be true to yourself and what you need in relationship. You will always be the better for it in the end. Know thyself. And if sometimes we lose someone along the way because we're not acting the way they would like us to, that's fine. They weren't on your "success train" anyway. 

The challenge for most of us is after we've said no, let go and released a friend or situation, we feel empty. How do we handle the emptiness? Fill the void. Not with cookies and cocktails... although that may be a temporary substitute. We fill the void with something healthy, loving and nurturing. This is the part we usually leave out and is vital to healing. If we don't fill the void, the pain usually lasts longer, can seem insurmountable or worse yet - we can actually go back to the situation or person that hurt us to begin with because we're so unhappy. So instead of filling that empty space inside ourselves with cookies and cocktails, here are healthy, loving and nurturing options: fill it with another loving relationship, acknowledge and foster the ones you have, have a Reiki session or some other energy work to heal and recalibrate your soul, take yourself on a date into the mountains or to the beach... These are just a few options. Let the healing begin by filling your cup. You'll be back to your ol' self in no time.

Right around January 1, 2010, some of us made New Year's resolutions that sounded like: "I'm going to make new strides in my career this year", "I'm joining that online dating service to meet my guy" or "I'm taking yoga classes and joining a gym to really lose this weight." Whatever the goals, if you haven't started taking steps to accomplish them by now, there are probably some excuses that got in the way. Usually, when we make these resolutions at the top of the year, they're fueled with our heartfelt intentions, visions of an even better life, or simply - we're fed up and we just have to change things NOW. Then as time wears on, our reasons for not getting things done creep up: "I don't have the money to join the gym or yoga class", "I'm not at my ideal weight to officially start dating on (or off) a site" or "I don't have all the tools I need to really administer my career." And my favorite...drum roll please... "I don't have the time." Here's the bad news: When we say any excuse long enough (an opinion) it can change form and become a reality in our minds (a fact), which is actually not based in reality. It's based in our fears. That being said, we're fooling ourselves as to why we can't get something done. So, let's just bloom where we're planted. Birds drop seeds in flight, and as a result, flowers sprout up anywhere, at any time. Neither the birds - nor you - need to have a perfect spot to bloom or begin a new project/career. My mother wrote her first book of poetry at age 60. She's 71 now and has yet another book published. Any time is a good time.

To substantiate this further - "have, do, be" - is the credo most people live by. I'll use the example of dating. Some think that if they have the money, then they'll do the online dating site and finally be the fabulous person they always wanted to be. This can be a short-sighted concept to live by. Be, do, have - says the opposite - you're going to be the person you always wanted to be first. Get up in the morning, walk down the street, experience your life as if everything is in its place - yes, even if its not...especially if its not. Fake it 'til you make it. Wear that fantastic outfit, style the hair like you're going to meet your sweetheart for dinner, and feel so loved. This energetic shift will propel you to make the moves towards having the relationship you desire.

Be, do, have is optimal for successful living because when we start from a vantage point of feeling that we have everything we need - the "Be" concept - we're starting from a place of alignment with the abundance of the Universe.

A little more than a week ago, my sweetheart planned an evening out to the Angeles Crest to watch Perseid's meteor shower. I had never seen a meteor shower before; and was quite grateful to be with a man who could plan such a wonderful date! We decided to leave around 8 pm - after traffic of course - and set up our chairs in a private spot off the Crest. I got pretty snuggled up - even wore a hat in case it got cold in the desert. However, I was reminded that the Angeles Crest is not desert but actually - chaparral - an ecological community composed of shrubby plants adapted to dry summers and moist winters that occur especially in Southern California (Merriam-Webster). With that said, I can tell you when we got there it wasn't that cold after all. It was actually a beautiful night and drive up the Angeles Crest. The air was warm, fresh and inviting, like newly baked bread...without the carbs. We settled on a spot facing north since the shower would be coming from that direction, and waited. There was one couple a few car lengths down from us who we hardly noticed, which still allowed for a private romantic evening.

Silence.

"There's one!" David said. I missed it, as I was adjusting my chair.

More silence.

Black sky, white stars - so magnificent and Divine. I had a sudden urge to give thanks for my life and my eyes, more specifically, and all the glory that is which I was blessed to experience. And then more people started coming. The cars. The noise. Ah well, it was obviously a popular night for stargazing. It promised to be the best night all year for watching meteor showers. So exciting! And then it finally happened - a shooting star. Wow. I had never seen anything so gorgeous, majestic and frankly, spiritual. Then another across the sky, and another...some smaller than others but all were brilliant balls of light on their personal course through the sky. Much like we humans, I guess - zipping through our lives on our own unique personal course.

All of us are made of the brilliance we witnessed that night. Science is now confident that most of the atoms in our bodies as well as these meteors were once in the hearts of stars. They exploded into space as supernovae. Simply put, we're all made from the stuff in stars - gorgeous, majestic and spiritual...among other things, of course. If we lived in this knowing of our "star brilliance" - in every moment - I dare say our lives would evolve to an even brighter place...our truest selves.

Take care of yourselves and each other,

Daydree

According to Webster’s New World dictionary, a cougar is “a large powerful tawny-brown cat with a long slender body and a long tail; puma; mountain lion”. Now for the slang definition: “A woman over 35 who dates a man at least 10 years her junior.” (I’ve also heard the definition refer to women over 40 or even over 30.)  

I dated a guy 10 years my junior once. I wasn’t 35 yet so I wasn’t technically a “cougar” – “cougette”, maybe. What do they say these days… cougar in training? I’ve seen the t-shirts. If that’s the case, I dropped out of training because I never dated that young again. And the relationship (if you want to call it that) lasted all of 4 months. Regardless, during the time I dated this man, neither of us felt the need to draw attention to our difference in years, make meaning of it, nor categorize it with significance. We were both over “jail bait” age, so everything was cool.

Men have been doing this for ages. 10 years younger is nothing. Try 15, 20, 25 years younger or more. No one has ever labeled them as anything, except maybe – smart. Women do it and suddenly a label is attached. Cougar. Have you ever seen a cougar up close? Neither have I. However, I saw fresh paw prints in the hills of Williams, Oregon last year. One paw print is about the size of an adult human head. I wouldn’t want to get in a cougar’s way. It could hurt me, kill me and surely want to eat me. And we have this label for a woman? My point is: Why “cougar”? Why not “Siamese”? Those are pretty smart cats. Or, just – “smart”. Or, no label at all. Just an older woman doing her thang! Why are we still making less of a woman for her decisions to do exactly what men have been doing for centuries? I watched a movie called Cougar Club the other day. Terrible film - God bless the actors. Anyway, the women were shown as highly oversexed, overly done up, over kill females that young men were slightly afraid of - yet simultaneously these same men were intrigued enough to want to have sex with them.

Not too long ago, I polled a few 20, 30 and 40-something men around Los Angeles from all walks of life. And the lion’s share of them finds the term cougar - “funny” while seeing cougar women as a little “scary” because they’re in a sense “pouncing” on men in order to “get with them”. Furthermore these very same men relayed that they may have sex with this type of woman but would never take them seriously for anything long-term. Interesting. Most described having any type of relationship with a cougar as a novelty. Their explanation: The majority of men want a woman who is younger – not much older. (Although, I was told most don’t mind just a few years older.) And if you’re dating older, the woman better be pretty “hot”. The main distinction with these particular men is if a cougar is hitting on them, the mindset is take what you can get from the big cat and get out of there. Again, while some of them were intrigued, they were sort of fearful at the same time. One gentleman frankly said, “Either way you cut it, it’s a negative term. Doesn’t mean men still won’t go for cougars, but they know the extent of where it will go... It’s not a respectful term, and we know it.” Hmmm…

There’s a pilot in the works called Cougar Town. Stay tuned… or not.

Take care of yourselves and each other,
“Daydree”

Some people get a little nervous when I mention that I enjoy participating in certain rituals. Right away (maybe since my family is from the Caribbean) they think I’m biting the head off a live chicken or sticking pins in a doll and whatnot. I’m sure someone’s doing that somewhere around the world right now, but it sure isn’t me! According to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, rituals are “any act or practice repeated in a precise manner for relief of anxiety”. Approaching the holiday season, many different cultures have a variety of rituals they deem important to them. Thanksgiving is one. On this day, American’s come together to eat drink and be merry in expression of gratitude for what they have and each other. A ritual like this gives us comfort, in a sense that it is something to look forward to, there’s good food or at least a lot of it, and loved ones. There are all different kinds of rituals too, of varying degrees of importance: full moon rituals – celebrating women, the ritual of Sunday service, once a month cocktails with a friend, a book club, morning meditation, Saturday shopping sprees, what have you... However, as far as more momentous rites of passage, we only have a few left in Western cultures. Bar & Bat Mitzvah’s are perfect examples. According to writer, Joseph Campbell, Western culture has lost many of its significant coming-of-age rituals - and we yearn for them. We show our desire for ritual, when we get a tattoo because we’ve turned 21 or left home for the Army, etc. It’s vital to us, therefore, it follows that we want to engage in something symbolic for the event. We want to “mark our miles” to assess how far we’ve come - to mark what has occurred that is meaningful to us. It is human to want to connect to something greater than ourselves through these rituals and in so doing we somehow validate our existence. Do you need more ritual in your life to stay connected to loved ones or your community? Have you created a ritual recently that you’ve found inspiring? Or why isn’t ritual important to you? Thoughts?

Take care of yourselves and each other,
Daydree

Some time ago a group of us got together to celebrate a dear friend who is what MyOshun calls a modern-day Goddess (explained on the Home page). She is quite busy (as are we all), but remains in balance – or so I thought. Her credo is to honor one’s heart, soul and mind. A good one, which I’m sure most of us share. This particular day in question, we friends of Goddess #1 decided to celebrate her as she was reaching another milestone in life. We bought her something extra special for the Goddess who has everything. No, we didn’t get her a gift from MyOshun, but instead we gifted her a spa treatment. Upon receiving her present she returned to us great love and appreciation, and further assured us that she very much needed the present and would utilize it immediately. Sure enough, about a year later to be exact, I asked her how she enjoyed the spa. She hadn’t. She didn’t go. Her statement to me was plainly, “Who’s got the time?” Hmm… Time. Just about everyone says they have an issue with time. There’s just not enough of it. They can’t get everything done. Is time speeding up? There are just as many people to support, as there are to refute this concept. However, regardless of time speeding up, slowing down or remaining the same, I cannot stress enough the need for us all to take time out for ourselves. If you like spa treatments, make the time to use the spa gift certificate that your friends give you. We make the time for so many other things that are of lesser importance than taking care of our peace of mind. As a matter of fact, some Europeans believe Americans work way too much. We don’t get enough rest. We don’t exercise as much as we should. We don’t take care of our bodies. But, boy, can we work! We work really hard in this country. I understand the reasons why all of this goes down, so can we change it now? If we can take the time to sit on our cell phones and write emails, why can’t we meditate – 10 min or more, take a hot bath – 20 min, get our nails done – 40 min, or yes, a 2 hr spa treatment. All that hard work won’t mean a thing if we’re too frazzled or sick to enjoy it. Cancer survivors know this best. As an elder once said to me, “It’s fine to work really hard, but not at the risk of your peace of mind and your health. Just remember when you die, it’s not like your boss is going to name a street after you or anything. Maybe they’ll send flowers…”

All that hard work, and all you got was a chrysanthemum?

Take care of yourselves, and each other...
Daydree